Merry Effin' Christmas

If you didn't already feel bad enough about participating in the orgy of consumerism that is a modern Christmas, here's a report from a bunch of Scrooges Down Under that should do the trick:

SYDNEY, Dec 15 (Reuters) - Christmas is damaging the environment, says a new report by the Australian Conservation Foundation.

The report titled "The Hidden Cost of Christmas" calculated the environmental impact of spending on books, clothes, alcohol, electrical appliances and lollies during the festive season.

The horror. I can't even imagine how many spotted owls Christmas lollies have killed over the years.

Every dollar Australians spend on new clothes as gifts consumes four gallons of water and requires 37 sq feet of land in the manufacturing process, it said.

What about every dollar they spend on new clothes that aren't gifts? Or which are birthday gifts?

Water that would approximately fill 42,000 Olympic-sized swimming pools was used in the production of Christmas drinks last December -- most was used to grow barley for beer and grapes for wine.

That's it? I would have thought that each Aussie would have sucked down a swimming pool's worth of beer, mulled wine and eggnog during the holidays. You're telling me it's only 42,000 worth? Doesn't sound too bad to me.

Now get a load of their chief humbug:

"If your bank account is straining under the pressure of Christmas shopping, spare a thought for our environment," Don Henry, the foundation's executive director, said in a statement.

"It's paying for our Christmas presents with water, land, air and resources. These costs are hidden in the products we buy."

You know what? I spend the other 364 days of the year worrying about the environment. I try to save gas, recycle, buy organic when I can afford it, and whatnot. This time of year I'm more concerned about spending time with my family and making sure my kid is happy. That doesn't imply that I'll run out and buy him the Old Growth Redwood Lincoln Log set or the Li'l Polluter's Industrial Chemistry Kit, but it does mean that I'm going to be buying some toys. Probably even ones made out of non-degradable plastics.

The report said that gifts like DVD players and coffee makers generated 780,000 tonnes of greenhouse pollution, even before they were unwrapped and used. A third was due to fuel consumption during production.

Even a box of A$30 chocolates or lollies this Christmas will consume 44 pounds of natural materials and 940 litres 207 gallons of water.

Okay, I'm calling bullshit on that one. Please tell me how 44 pounds of natural materials and more than five bathtubs of water to make.

"We can all tread more lightly on the earth this Christmas by eating, drinking and giving gifts in moderation, and by giving gifts with a low environmental cost, such as vouchers for services, tickets to entertainment, memberships to gyms, museums or sports clubs, and donations to charities," said Henry.

Right. Hey, Number One Son, I know you're only four and you really wanted that Ripped Pants Spongebob, but you'll definitely enjoy this service voucher a lot more. And you, Oriental Wife, I know it would have been sweet to get you that 61-key USB music keyboard for your Mac, but you really need to be hitting the gym instead. Merry Christmas.

The lesson to remember here kids is: every time you buy a present, you make the baby Jesus cry.