Colablogging

J-Dogg, one of my senior research assistants, can be pretty useful if you can catch him in between green tea benders. Today he fact-checked the Gray Lady and found the old biddy wanting. The Hogzilla story contains not one, but two glaring inaccuracies.

There is no such thing as "Pibb Extreme". It should be Pibb Xtra.

And there is no such thing as "Fanta Cherry". There is, however, a Fanta Black Cherry.

Who knows what else they got wrong in that story? The damn pig probably isn't even called Hogzilla. It's probably Hogenstein, or Hogosaurus Rex or something.

But, in a phone call puncuated with frequent giggles (I think he'd been dipping into the Silvertip Yin Hao again), J-Dogg read me this blurb off the Mr. Pibb official Web page:

Mr. Pibb appeals to 12-15 year olds who are just gaining independence from home and looking for things to call their own. Mr. Pibb enables them to have an uninhibited, fun, and unconventional attitude because it has the sweet, refreshing bold taste they need to express their independence.

Sounds like a hell of a drink. I wish I had figured out what Mr. Pibb was all about when I was that age. I'd probably have a real life now instead of sitting here on a Sunday night blogging freaking Mr. Pibb and Hogzilla.

Let's see what else is on the Coca-Cola products pages...

Fresca: "With a unique, citrus taste, Fresca is a caffeine-free drink that appeals to discriminating adults."

Yes, I think I'll opt for the ostrich-leather iPod case, the organic sprouts packaged by Tibetan virgins, and, oh, a six-pack of Fresca, please.

Inca Cola: "A source of pride for Peru", there's no better refreshment after a hard day of sacrificing virgins on the slopes of Machu Pichu.

A fascinating trait of this beverage is that "everyone who tastes it senses a different flavor. Some people describe a pineapple flavor, while others say it tastes like a fusion of lemon-lime or banana-strawberry". What they don't mention is that others describe the distinct taste of fermented mung bean, while others say it recalls the aroma of William "Refrigerator" Perry's jockstrap after Super Bowl XX.

Mello Yello: "The unique taste sets it apart from other soft drinks with a confident and effortlessly in-control style." A new advertising campaign highlights "the smooth choices in life, because when you have the Mello Yello Smooth everything goes down easy".

Mello Yello is actually Colt 45.

Qoo: Bad news for those in North America with a need for a thirst-quencher packed with vitamin C and calcium. Qoo is only available in Japan, Singapore, Taiwan and Korea (South, of course). It is known for its mascot, "a whimsical cartoon character that looks vaguely like a cat."

Wow, not even Coke knows what the hell they are putting on their bottles these days. I wish this blog had an intelligent reader in Japan who could tell us what is the deal with Qoo. Hmm. I'm trying to think. Reader... in Japan... intelligent. Nope. Coming up empty here.

Samurai: "Slice through physical and mental fatigue" with this tasty drink. If you assumed this drink's natural market is Japan, you'd be wrong. Vietnam is where the bushido beverage is sold. "Samurai is enjoyed by Vietnamese workers, office staff, housewives and students who need an energy boost." Apparently farmers, retired folk and newborns have to look elsewhere for the B vitamin-infused energy drinks. Wow. I wish this blog had an intelligent reader who had been to Vietnam and spoke the language, but that'd probably be too much to ask...

In all, there are 46 soft-drinks listed on the Coca-Cola Web page. The Pepsi page has several dozen distinct brands, but they apparently don't have the same army of marketing dweebs experts that their chief competitor has. Still, the slogan for "Code Red" -- the cherry-flavored, super-sweet, hyper-caffeinated hacker hooch -- is hilarious: "A Sensation As Real As The Streets". I also like the one for the "AMP": Mmmm. Energy.

Colablogging. You got it here first.