Bedtime, Daddy-O

I have a little thing over on Daddy-O about Chinese bedtime stories. It involves the torture of animals and sexually suggestive passages involving children.

Five Cars I Should Hate But Actually Love

Okay, last week I brought you my automotive shitlist, a collection of craptacular cars that should never have rolled off the assembly line.

Now I present to you the flip side of that coin -- cars that are reviled by the general population, but which I actually think are kinda cool. It's a list informed by a white trash aesthetic that esteems the boy racer above the automotive sophisticate and likes cars of any color as long as they're red, white and blue.

5. Honda Element. Last week I heaped scorn on the Element's scrawny distant relative, the Scion xB. The two cars are an example of automotive parallel evolution, since different corporate DNA somehow led to similar boxy shapes. But while the xB looks like it should come in a six-pack, the Element possesses a cutesy Tonka Toy charm tinged with an endearing pugnaciousness. When I was shopping for a Jeep Liberty a few months ago, I also had my eye on the Element as a potential alternative as the family hauler.

4. Dodge SRT-4. You don't get much more ridiculous than turbocharging a Neon and tricking it out with Viper seats and a rear wing big enough to lift a 747. But the results speak for themselves: 230 horses that squirt the little Jolly Rancher of a car to 0-60 in just over 5 seconds. Throw another grand or two at one of the boost packages, and voila, you have a speed demon fully capable of taking on a Mustang, Camaro or WRX. The cherry on top is the sticker of of just $20,000. I love it.

3. Hummer H2. The anti-Prius if there ever was one. You read last week that I hate the Prius, but entirely for its styling and performance mis-cues rather than for its tree-hugging tech per se. After 9 years in one of the most polluted countries on the planet, I'm all for products that make our air cleaner, our water purer, and our trees greener. Still, I have to admit I pop a little woody each time I see an H2 rumble by. But get out my face with the spinner rims, chromed grills and all that. What I dig is the vehicle's burly stance, underpinned by a drivetrain and suspension that are among the best in class.

2. Pontiac Grand Prix. The white trash cousin of the GTO, the Grand Prix is often overlooked and underestimated. Check it: the GXP option's 5.3-liter V8 pumps out a more-than-respectable 303 ponies. But what's really cool is the twist figure: 323 ft-lbs of torque. That means a GXP -- hardly a svelte little sports car -- will actually beat a Honda S2000 off the line, and runs just a hair behind it in the 0-60 scoot (5.7 vs 5.6 seconds).

1. Monte Carlo SS. The Monte Carlo is arguably the ultimate redneck ride thanks to its unabashed NASCAR ties. They used to offer a Dale Earnhart model in black with the number "3" emblazoned all over it, for chrissakes. GM stuffs the same V8 found in the above-mentioned Grand Prix into the SS, but the SS's lighter body gives it a more favorable power-weight ratio, meaning it blasts to 60 mph in just 5.4 seconds. Folks, this is territory that a few years ago was the exclusive realm of Camaros, Mustangs and Z cars. I seriously considered buying a Monte Carlo about 5 years ago, and even went as far as to test drive an SS. It was a surprisingly sweet ride, with spacious, comfortable seats, swoopy styling, and a feeling of speed that was imparted even by the 240-HP supercharged V6 that is relatively wimpy by today's standards.

How about y'all? Any scandalous automotive loves?

Weirdo

I don't know whether to hail this guy as a genius and a hero or condemn him as a deranged criminal.

MIAMI (Reuters) - A 76-year-old man claiming to be a doctor went door-to-door in a Florida neighborhood offering free breast exams, and was charged with sexually assaulting two women who accepted the offer, police said on Thursday.

One woman became suspicious after the man asked her to remove all her clothes and began conducting a purported genital exam without donning rubber gloves, investigators said.

You know, if he only had the foresight to pack rubber gloves, he could have gotten away scot-free. There's really nothing unusual about strange old guys knocking on your door offering free breast and genital exams. Happens all the time. But it's the little things -- like rubber gloves -- that people notice.

At least two women, both in their 30s, let him into their homes and he fondled and sexually assaulted them, the investigators said.

Translation: this guy hit the jackpot. You could this sort of sordid scheme working on the weak and vulnerable, like in a retirement home's Alzheimer's ward or something. But no, he got two 30-something chicks to drop trou.

He worked as a shuttle driver for an auto dealership.

That's it? A shuttle driver? Sounds like the guy should have been running the whole damn operation.

Oh yeah, check out the dude's picture. His expression says, "I can't believe I got away with it for as long I did."

But please, don't try this at home. Pretending to be a physician and molesting a woman is just wrong, unless, of course, you're playing "doctor" with your wife or girlfriend.

Peace Is Just One More Conference Away

Ah, San Francisco. Faced with unrelenting Muslim extremism that threatens to tear apart Iraq, annihilate Israel with nuclear weapons, strike our shores at any time, and burn down European cities, what does the San Francisco do? Why, organize a religious peace conference with the Dalai Lama throwing his weight behind Islam, of course!

Organizers hoped that the Dalai Lama's support would help mend Islam's reputation in the West. The religion's image has been battered by world events including the attacks of Sept. 11, the subsequent war in Iraq and the riots following Danish cartoons depicting the Prophet Muhammad, including one showing him wearing a bomb in his turban.

Right. So, there's 9/11, all the other bombings and beheadings and whatnot, but hey, if the Dalai Lama is down with it, I guess it's no big deal. But something tells me it's going to take more than an endorsement by the exiled leader of 3 million people to "mend" Islam's reputation here.

Yusuf cited recent polls showing more than 40 percent of Americans had negative views of Islam. A Washington Post/ABC News poll last month found that nearly 60 percent of those polled thought there were more violent extremists within Islam than other religions.

Followers want to change those perceptions, noting that they too are part of the Abrahamic faiths. Muslims believe that Muhammad is the last in a line of prophets that include Moses and Jesus.

"Ordinary people have these great misconceptions, which fuels more extremism,'' Yusuf said to reporters, noting that the current tensions were "untenable.''

"You better change perceptions,'' he said. "Not to reach extremists like bin Laden -- I don't think we'll reach him with the Dalai Lama, to be honest with you."

Would anyone seriously dispute the assertion that Islam has more violent extremists than any other religion? But an expert steps in to tell us how -- did you ever doubt it? -- American perceptions that Islam breeds more extremists only ends up, yes, breeding more extremists! Doesn't such logic only bolster the view that Islam is more prone to breeding extremists?

Yet in the next breath, Yusuf admits that the huggy-feely approach probably isn't going to work with Osama bin Laden, some guy who apparently is one of Islam's non-existent extremists.

But the Dalai Lama didn't let Muslims off the hook, no sir. He had tough words for anyone who abused religion, and he said that Muslim suicide bombers were "mischievous people"! Three thousand burned or crushed to death on 9/11, a woman tortured, drawn and quartered for the crime of helping Iraqis, thousands of Iraqis murdered, kidnapped or maimed for wanting a better life: such mischief!

"Muslim tradition, like others, also deserves respect," said the Dalai Lama, noting that Muslims and Buddhists had co-existed peacefully in Tibet for four centuries.

What a completely meaningless statement. Exactly which traditions does the Dalai Lama think deserve respect? Praying five times a day? Fine. Not eating pork? Fine. You would be hard-pressed to find anyone in the West who objected to those customs. But not allowing women to drive or vote? Not so fine. Executing gays by pushing a stone wall on top of them? Not so fine. Destroying centuries-old Buddhist statues? I wonder.

His words heartened Ingrid Mattson, a professor of Islamic Studies at the Hartford Seminary in Connecticut who was among the more than 500 people in attendance Saturday.

"It was such a wonderful act of generosity," she said. "Muslims in America are feeling so isolated and alone and we're always on the defensive. This act of solidarity and compassion -- it gives me so much hope and courage to feel I can go forward and not feel alone."

Folks, the problem is not the West's perception of Islam, it's the utter rejection by many in Islam that fundamental tenets of modernity: religious, personal, economic and intellectual liberty. The problem is Islam's failure to clean its own house and expunge the very real, significant, and deadly extremists from its ranks.

Yes, I Am a Loser

What little life I once had is now gone.

Guitar

Apparently this sweet guitar video has been making the rounds on YouTube. It's some kid, known only as funtwo and with his face obscured by a baseball cap, with an electric guitar totally riffing on Pachelbel's Canon.

What intrigued me was the New York Times piece Matt pointed to, which praises the video's curious beauty.

[T]he anonymous image is arresting. Bright light shines through a window behind him, surrounding him with a glow; the effect is dreamlike. Funtwo then plays JerryC's rock embellishment over the classical piece with amazing dexterity, managing to enliven the music and create a lasting work of pop art.

This passage caught my eye because it sounds strikingly similar to events in William Gibson's last novel, Pattern Recognition, in which a series of hauntingly beautiful viral videos captivate the world and lead one brand consultant on a complicated quest to track down their source.

It's strange, because I was watching some random play of light and people and nature the other morning waiting for the train, and I thought of that book and thought that maybe we're on the cusp of that sort of pop culture moment emerging.

Tip to Matt Rosenberg, who has some more thoughts.

Used Sex Toys

Only from Craigslist, of course. My favorite bits:

Three-speed Vibrator with adjustable head, works great but rotator is slightly jammed with hair. $25

1 set of glass anal beads. These beads have been used a lot so they are extra smooth! $8.

Peace Activists Threaten Military Recruiters

Anti-American Anti-war protestors at UC Santa Cruz blocked military recruiters from attending a job fair, posing enough of a physical threat that the very people who have pledged their lives to defend the students' freedom of speech had to be escorted off campus with a police guard.

UC Santa Cruz: We're all about tolerance and alternative viewpoints, except for when we aren't!

Yeah, No Shit Department

An audit has discovered that millions of dollars are missing from Nigerian oil accounts.

Huh.

Then how do you explain all the e-mails those well-meaning Nigerian oil officials sent me?

Five Cars That Piss Me Off

I hate these cars. Every time I see them, it makes me angry. It makes me angry that someone made these cars. It makes me angry that someone bought these cars. It makes me angry that someone drives these cars.

5. Toyota Prius. Yeah, I know, this is the car that is supposedly saving the planet. I know it's packed with marvelous technology that can magically transform a car from environmental Satan into environmental salvation. You know what? It's also the most boring-looking turd of a car to roll its way down an American highway. Seriously, people trash the Pontiac Aztek yet heap praise on this aesthetic monstronsity? It's hard for me to get passionate about a car whose most interesting feature is a computer screen showing the state of drivetrain. Frankly, I'm not going to consider buying a hybrid car until I hear of one that does 0-60 in 5 seconds and gets 50 miles mpg.

4. Scion xB. Who in their right mind drives a car that looks like the Jolly Green Giant's shoe box? And why are people tinting the windows and putting expensive, shiny rims on them? Along with poodles and ultra-baggy pants, those are the most riduculous things I've ever seen. Every time I see a Scion xB, I want to pick it up and crush it against my forehead.

3. Porsche Cayenne. Somone please explain to me the purpose of this vehicle. The buying process must go one of two ways. One, you've got $75,000 to drop on an SUV and you buy a Porsche, or two, you've got $75,000 to drop on a Porsche and you buy an SUV. Either way, you're an idiot. If you want a vehicle to go offroad and haul stuff, buy a Land Rover or a Hummer. If you want a Porsche to go fast in, buy a 911 or the sweet new Cayman.

2. Toyota Camry. Yup, the third appearance by Toyota on this list. How they became the world's top car maker is beyond me. I guess by making cars that are as exciting as a cardboard box but never, ever, ever break down and can be driven for a quarter million miles before being retired, usually because the interiors, not the mechanics, have gone to hell. Every time I see, think, or attempt to write about the Camry lajkd;fjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjl woah, sorry, I fell asleep there on the keyboard. That's just the effect the Camry has on me. It's amazing that people can stay awake while driving this snoozer of a car.

1. Hyundai Tiburon. This pathetic attempt at a sports car is like the dorky kid in high school who thinks he can hang with the cool crowd if he wears the right clothes and talks loudly about how cool he is. Skinned in Pininfarina duds, this automotive nerd also laughingly sports twin exhaust pipes, as if. Your V6 barely puts out more horses than a good 4-cylinder. Dude, you're not a Ferrari, you're not a Porsche, you're not a Nissan 350Z or even a Mitshubishi Eclipse. I saw these all over China, but the Chinese are less than five years into their love affair with cars. At this point, the Chinese don't have many other options, plus they frankly just don't know any better. What's your excuse?

Well, those are my automotive peeves. What are yours?

Whither the PS3?

More on video games. Sorry. But this post will actually delve into the clash of corporate titans and the shaping of the tech landscape in the living room, so bear with me.

Another pal of mine, Joe, who pens the enjoyable The Adventures of JoMa, was asking me about the 360. Apparently he likes what he sees but has been a PlayStation guy, is averse to giving Bill Gates more of his cash, and kinda wants to wait for the PS3.

As in its previous two iterations, the third generation of the PlayStation could very well dominate the industry. But Sony is facing several new challenges that cast serious doubt on whether it will remain king of the video game hill this round.

Certainly if there's any product Sony should get right, it's the PS3. They've owned the market for a decade, have a loyal fan base, a deep library of exclusive games, and the trend-setting Japanese fan base firmly behind them.

But right now no one outside Sony knows exactly how good the machine will be. No real in-game demos have been seen, much less played, and experts have had trouble comparing the hardware specs to the 360 because the technologies are so different.

It's possible that Sony's machine will be more powerful than the 360, especially because they'll have had an extra year to tweak the specs and get everything optimized. But word in the dev community is that the Cell processor is a bitch to develop for and may have caused some of the delay in launching.

There are also concerns over Sony's gamble on Blu-Ray DVD. When Sony put regular DVD in the PS2, it was already a unanimously adopted format, and it made sense to have the extra disk storage space to hold the vast amounts of game data.

Now Sony wants to use the PS3 as a way to get millions of Blu-Ray players into homes, despite the fact that there is a rival format -- HD-DVD -- backed by Toshiba, Microsoft and others. Studios are also split on the format and there are likely to be few movies available initially. There is little benefit to actual gaming because there is still significant headroom in regular DVD technology.

In fact, Blu-Ray has already hurt Sony's launch. The company recently admitted that problems in finalizing Blu-Ray technology was behind the PS3 delay, and they've heavily hinted that it is going to make the PS3 very expensive.

Some consultancies have done estimates of what the PS3 will cost, and the bill of goods comes out to something like $700 or more. Now, I half suspect that Sony has been talking up the price, only to set up a positive reaction when they come out and price it at $400 or less. But they'd be taking a huge loss on each system sold, and Microsoft will have had the 360 in production for a year, so they might be in a position to drop the price.

The 360 economics are actually pretty good, and Microsoft has deeper pockets and would likely be able to last longer in a war of attrition. So, Sony had better be damn sure the addition of Blu-Ray will more than make up for the extra cost and time involved in launching the PS3.

It is also unclear what kind of online service Sony is going to have for the PS3. They poo-pooed online with the PS2, and ceded a 5-year headstart to Microsoft, which has been free to define what an online gaming service should be.

Sony is of course actively studying Xbox Live but there are some doubts as to how seriously it is taking online. Again, Sony might surprise with some incredibly deep and robust service that does everything Live can do and more, but there is plenty cause for concern that Sony's corporate hubris will bite them in the ass.

At this point, Xbox Live is the real killer app of the 360. For proof I just have to turn my head and see the Oriental Wife sitting there playing "Bejeweled 2". She was utterly uninterested in the original Xbox, but has taken like a fire ant to honey to Xbox Live Arcade. In short, Microsoft succeeded in turning the ultimate non-gamer into a addict.

That's because Live is simply so well-designed and so comprehensive that it really becomes a necessary part of the 360's package. Each game is Live-compatible and has "achievements" that are added to your profile as you progress through a game. You also accumulate gamer points, so you can see at a glance how experienced an opponent or friend is.

Some games have taken it to the next level, so to speak. "Project Gotham Racing 3", for instance, has Gotham TV where you can tune in to watch the highest-ranked players compete live. Apparently they also plan to hold big championship events that could draw tens of thousands of spectators.

You've also got a solid and growing library of downloadable content. You can not only download game demos to get a taste before buying the full thing, you can get old arcade classics (I've got "Joust" and "Robotron 2084", and "Pac-Man" and "Galaga" are going to be offered soon), and pick up expansion packs for games, too.

It's not perfect: Bethesda, the studio behind "Elder Scrolls: Oblivion", was the target of some recent criticism because an add-on they sold for $2.00 a pop was simply a set of armor for your horse. Nothing else, just horse armor. They've pledged that future expansions will give much more value for money.

Anyway, Live promises to really reshape how games are played, enjoyed, delivered, and profited from. Circling back to the discussion about Blu-Ray, one reason Microsoft didn't add a next-gen DVD player to the 360, apart from cost, is that Gates thinks downloads are the wave of the future. I'm skeptical of that in the near-term, but after seeing how easily Live works, it's not tough to imagine that scenario within a couple console generations.

Another wild card in this is Nintendo, which is planning its Revolution console for sometime this year. If there's one area where Sony is sure to kick Microsoft's ass, it's in Japan, where the 360 hasn't sold well at all. There are a lot of theories as to why this is, but the most prevalent reason is probably just that Microsoft hasn't found the right mix of games that appeal to Japan's, uh, unique tastes.

So, a few months ago, I would have said that Japan would be Sony's ace in the hole, the market it could always fall back on to offset any losses against Microsoft in the U.S. and Europe. And I'm sure that, no matter what, the PS3 will sell very well indeed in Japan.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the console wars -- Nintendo started innovating again. While their GameCube has more or less languished against the competition, Nintendo's DS handheld has been a smash hit and quite simply revived the company's fortunes. And they've done it with a collection of quirky, addicting games like a dog simulation, brain puzzlers, and cartoonish go-kart racer that lets you play anyone else via wi-fi. The DS has also benefitted immensly from a new redesign that transformed the slightly dorky hardware into an iPod-esque fashion statement.

Now there is buzz building about the Revolution. It has turned its back on next-gen conventional wisdom by foresaking hi-def, but uses an unusual TV remote-like controller that you wave like a wand to control on-screen action. If they can sprinkle some of the same pixie dust on the Revolution that they used on the DS, Nintendo will give the PS3 a serious run for the money.

So I don't think Sony can count on Japanese gamers automatically opening their wallets for them. Not only do they have to have the hardware, pricing and online capabilities to compete with the 360 in the West, they have to have the creativity and uniqueness to best Nintendo at home.

As they say, good luck with that.

One thing's for sure, we should know a lot more about what Sony has up its sleeve in about a month. They will certainly announce some stuff and show some of what PS3 can do at the E3 video game convention in Los Angeles.

I really do hope Sony comes out with a strong product. Competition is good. It Microsoft's burning desire to hand Sony its ass that caused them to birth the Xbox. Microsoft can get things right, but it needs to be scared, it needs to have a benchmark to beat. The PS2 provided that inspiration, so I fervently hope the PS3 gives them an equal incentive.

In the end, gamers win.

Parenting and Video Games

I've been contributing a bit to a new blog started by a friend who is about to become a father for the first time, at least as far as he knows. It's kind of a place where dads or dads-to-be can hang, plead for help, or help those doing the pleading.

Given that I recently obtained the privelege of giving Bill Gates several hundred of my hard-earning dollars for an Xbox 360 and various accessories, I pose the question of how much parents should let their kids play video games. Here are some excerpts:

The conventional wisdom is that games are bad for you. They encourage lethargy and lead to entire generations of kids being converted into glazed-eyed, slack-jawed zombies ever eager for their next fix of pixelated crack.

New research is showing, however, that games have definite benefits. Steven Johnson's book Everything Bad is Good for You purports to show how popular culture, and video games in particular, hone cognitive skills. After all, hunting down and capping rival crack dealers in a limited time while evading police is really an exercise in thinking out the box, albeit one wrapped in a package that is unsavory to many.

And:

One other reason I let him play is that it's yet another activity we can do together. And unlike watching a movie or cartoon, it's something that has a high-degree of interaction and a sense of accomplishment for "winning". Should it preclude other forms of parental bonding? No, of course not. And we play board games, and do puzzles, and read books, and draw pictures together, too. Video games is just another thing we can do together.

So, head on over and check out the full post, poke around the site, and drop some pearls of fatherly or motherly wisdom.

360 Degrees of Trouble

So, yeah I broke down and got an Xbox 360 at the very first opportunity I had. I hadn't gotten one earlier because of the simple fact that they were in such short supply. I deluded myself into thinking that part of the reason was proper fiscal responsibility on my part. I mean, I refrained from preordering or spending hours a day hitting "refresh" on Amazon.com or costco.com. I could wait longer.

But the other day I decided to swing through a GameStop store. I'd just finished the Xbox game "Black" and thought I'd pick up a military tactical squad game that is the sequel to one of my favorite games of all time.

I've visisted a lot of game stores since the launch of the Xbox 360, and made it a habit to make a casual inquiries to see if they have any consoles in stock. Sort of my own one-man channel check. In the five months since the 360 has been on sale, I had yet to see an actual unit for sale in any store.

"You, uh, got any 360s in stock?" I asked.

"Why, yes we do," answered the clerk, a young guy who looked like he was an accomplished Dungeon Master when not at work.

"Really? Do you have the premium systems?" (I'd actually seen the so-called "Core" systems for sale on Amazon, but passed those up because you have to shell out extra for the hard-drive, wireless controller and stuff)

"Yeah, we have those," the DM replied.

"Well, I guess I'll have to take one!"

So yeah, it's pretty damn sweet, I have to say. I got four games initially: PGR3, DOA4, Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter, and Perfect Dark, which is probably the weakest of the titles. The graphics are pretty stunning, probably about equal or better to what my new $1,700 PC can do. And that's on my 8-year-old old 27" Zenith television.

The sad thing is that the 360 will end up costing me far more than the price of the machine and the games. That's because I've realized I need an HDTV. Seriously, imagine having to watch DVDs on a TV that downgraded them to VHS quality. The 360 on a regular TV is probably even more dramatic a difference than that.

Bay Area

Dave thinks we should saw off San Francisco into the sea. In the comments, Geezer at Blog Idaho wonders what I make of it. I left a comment at Garfield Ridge that's I'll reproduce here:

I actually live in a Berkeley suburb, but work in the city proper.

I've only been here five months, but I have to grudgingly admit that the Bay Area is, in fact, a pretty nice place to live. It is more croweded and dirty than my hometown, Seattle, but it is certainly one of the friendliest places I've ever lived in.

Now, with a 4-year-old at home, I don't get out much. But I can't really attest to many true moonbat sightings, and the locals I've met may be liberal, but mostly of the reasonable, common-sense variety.

And while San Francisco has a reputation as not being friendly to families, I've been pleasantly surprised at how nice and accomodating people are to kids. There are tons of playgrounds and parks, and no shortage of other parents -- especially ones of mixed ethnicity or nationality.

That said, I can't see staying around here more than a couple years. Why? It's nothing to do with politics. It's the outrageous cost of living, particularly housing. Sorry, but I don't plan on having my son grow up in a 2-bedroom apartment, especially when I could get a 4-bedroom house for the same monthly payment elsewhere.

Oh, and Seattle? If you're fighting the liberal influence, give up, the city is already lost. But I still plan on moving back someday.

Garfalanche!

Woah. I've never blogged for the traffic, and my hit counter proves it. I've steadily gotten 15 or so hits per day for more than a year. Hey, it's quality not quantity, right?

But then Dave at Garfield Ridge was kind enough to send his sympathies over my newly deceased social life. The result? At least 92 hits and counting.

Damn, what's wrong with you people? If Dave told you to click on a bridge would you do it? But if I told you not to shoot the puppy, could you do it? I dunno.

See Ya'

I have been lax about posting the past few days, and that was before this showed up. Don't know if I'll ever post again.